Of all the crappy telly I waste my time watching, it is Holby City that I love the best. My devotion to the inner workings of the strangest hosptal in Britain have paid off in recent weeks as the storylines have become increasingly demented. It's as though the BBC have drafted in a platoon of disgruntled ex Hollyoaks writers who were dumped by the mighty Oaks for being too mental.
Firstly, Jesus of Nazareth (who has frankly always seemed ill at ease as a nurse) took to snorting cocaine from his desk. Rubbing white powder into your gums while on duty may well be okay for Donna (the worst nurse on the planet), but Zefferelli's muse shouldn't get the paranoid jitters while lecturing a colleague's junkie son on the dangers of drugs. You would think that the self righteous moral indignation of soapland would be just around the corner waiting for a smackdown with Jesus (or Mark as he's known in Holby), but no. He entirely got away with it. Sure, his daughter/sister (the hospital bike), was upset for about 5 minutes, but this was hardly the wailing and gnashing of teeth you'd expect from a BBC drugs denoument.
Perhaps they'll come back to it..after all they did get a bit distracted by a Robin Hood moment a couple of weeks back. You knew something bad was coming because a pretty and charmingly bland new nurse was introduced and instantly loved by all staff members. And her parents were delightful too. From the second she stepped onto the screen she to all intents and purposes a red shirted crew member of the Starship Holby, about to set foot on a dangerous planet with Captain Kirk (here played by Patsy Kensit). Peril was clearly on its way. Who'd have thought the peril would take the shape of an STD nurse with a crossbow who went a bit wibbley because he looked a lot like Vila from Blake's 7 (or something).
Patsy and the red shirt were duly kebabed by the maniac and the handsome doctor with unexpected cancer had to choose which one to save. There apparently weren't enough doctors to save both. In a hospital. With a perfectly good Casualty department. What a surprise...thanks to her ability to marry pop stars, Kensit made it while the other, non famous nurse died. Much sadness ensued - for at least a minute and a half.
Meanwhile Nigel from Eastenders was having a bad day. His position as the fluffiest doctor ever to hit a television screen was making him a push over for allcomers. His son was "going Zammo", his daughter blamed him for naming her after a rubbish Doctor Who assistant (or something) and he was about to let a cute small child with a randomly mentioned dead grandfather die because he couldn't be bothered to perform a heart transplant while his life was falling apart around his ears...oh and did I mention the crossbow wielding mentalist stalking the corridors because he didn't have time to listen to his grievances? Luckily, just as a leap from the Clifton suspension bridge (which is in Holby - not Bristol as we've been led to believe) seemed the only option, Richard Briers was on hand to show him what a "Wonderful Life" he had. At Christmas. Do you see what they did there?
In a move of genius the like of which is rarely seen in soap operas set outside Chester, we are led to see what would have become of the characters we know and love if Nigel had never existed. While the possibilities could have been endless it turned out that one of them was mad and in an asylum, but most of them were dead. That crossbow thing panned out differently without Nigel there to be all cuddly and benevolent - allowing lots of the actors a day off for Christmas shopping while the episode was filmed. Oh...and Jesus was paralysed, but the extent of his parallel universe coke habit wasn't explored.
Most touchingly, Nigel got to spend some time with his dead wife. In the real Holby (and it is real - not in any way a fictional city that looks like Bristol) she went to Switzerland to die with dignity as her motor neuron disease took hold some time ago. In It's A Wonderful Life Holby she was stuck in loveless marriage and a state of the art wheelchair because Nigel hadn't been there to give her a good reason to kill herself...it sounded more romantic the way they put it. Needless to say, I cried.
Nigel from Eastenders then had to decide which life to choose because the end of the episode was fast approaching and there was a girl with a spurious dead Grandfather who needed a new heart back in the the real world. The characters can tell when the end of an episode is nigh because a song will kick in over the hospital intercom which ties in nicely with the events of the day. It is often "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley, or occasionally a spiritual sung by the big black doctor because she was in the original cast of We Will Rock You and so has a nice voice. Thankfully Nigel heard the music and rushed back to the hospital in time to save the girl. As the camera panned back from her bed we see a picture of the oft mentioned randomly dead grandfather...Richard Briers, of course.
I can't see where they can take things next...perhaps a shower scene where Denis Lawson discovers that the last 5 years were just a dream? Roll on tonight's episode 
